Going’s On

1. Drawing: I’ve been working on my drawing. I’m still a very remedial artist LOL. But I want this to happen. I want to be able to draw my fashion creations. Having my own line of handbags is very important to me. It’s very important to be able to draw what you want to be made before you can send it off to be made. The people making it need a visual lol. I want to be able to draw out the creations that I come up with and I also want to learn how to use photoshop and illustrator. Right now my plan is to draw everyday and go slow and keep going no matter how frustrated I get. I do see that the slower I go the less frustrated that I get.

2. Nursing: Still doing pre-reqs. This semester was hard. My GPA took a MAJOR hit! I’ll be retaking the two classes I’ve done horrible in this semester past. I’ll be retaking one this semester and the other next semester but I’ll be taking three classes in all this semester: re-taking A&P I, Microbiology, and US History II AKA the GPA booster. Then I’ll be re-taking Chemistry the semester after this one coming up along with Statistics and any other classes that’ll boost my GPA. I’m also switching to a campus that is closer to my home so instead of an hour and eighteen minute commute, I’ll have a forty-five minute one by car but hopefully I’ll be having someone to at leas take me to school every morning and pick me up but if not both, I’ll hopefully have someone to at least take me to school in the mornings. Long commutes can be really hard on you. I’ve been doing the hour plus commute for almost two years now and I have to say it’s been dragging me down for A VERY LONG TIME. I love the campus that I’ve been studying on but the commute is a killer and it’s a bus stop on every corner, it ALWAYS crowded, the bus can break down and traffic be congested which makes that commute EVEN LONGER than the HOUR and 18 minutes (which I believe is more like 30 on average) it already is!! I also know that I will be spending more time at the library that is close to my home. I cannot study at my house. My father is a total pain in the ass who is always annoying me. But I do get distracted by my own stuff like surfing the net and reading everything but my textbooks. Anyway, here’s to a better Fall 2013!! I’m going to keep my head up and keep going.

3. Thinking about the future: ALWAYS! And always worrying about it.

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Needing My Own Bathroom = Musing over other Shit I’ve Got to Deal with!

I need my own bathroom!

This early morning, like other VERY, VERY, VERY early mornings before them, I ha and upset stomach and had to got to the bathroom so bad! (Use your imagination, that way I won’t have to get all TMI!) I get up to go and who else in the bathroom but my brother. He’s always in the bathroom, at the most inopportune time, and VERY, VERY, VERY few times is he urinating! Then to top it all off, he never turns on the fan!

My mom, my dad, my brother, and my grandmother moved into the home that we currently live in the summer before last (2011). It has a lot of space and though it’s not perfect, it’s pretty nice. But the thing is that I don’t think any of us (esp my mom) thought about all of the deal breakers in this house, like it only having two bathrooms. One bathroom is on the second floor and one bathroom is in the basement.

The bathroom upstairs seems to always be occupied by my brother. Though we have a second bathroom in the basement, it’s reserved for my grandmother. The rest of us, which now includes three foster children, cannot use the bathroom my grandmother uses b/c she can’t use the b

This whole situation then leads me to these other thoughts, conclusions, and feelings.

1. I’m annoyed that my my brother is always in the bathroom. = My mother needs to take him to a doctor AGAIN! She took him to a doctor when he was a lot younger to see if anything was wrong with him b/c he has always immediately pooped out everything that he eats. I do feel guilty when I yell or kick up a fuss about him being in the bathroom. I don’t like when people rush me out of the bathroom so I don’t want to have to do it to anyone else but then again it has to be acknowledged once again that I’m no the one always in the bathroom and then for a very long time.

2. Annoyance at my grandmother getting her own bathroom. = I’m annoyed that my grandmother gets her own bathroom AND because she can never make it to the bathroom or leaves a mess of sorts so I cannot use it AT ALL! This then sends my mind onto something that I don’t always want to acknowledge because it’s guilt inducing and I guess mean. But the fact is that I feel it anyway, so better to acknowledge it. I resent the fact that my grandmother lives with us. I know that’s mean and horrible & I’m probably a selfish (I do have selfish tendencies so it’s very possible and something I need to work on) person because of it, but there it is.

A couple of years ago my grandmother & three cousins came to live with us. This was when we still lived in our INCREDIBLY small house in WJ. It was a nightmare, everyone was on top of each other, someone was always yelling (my grandmother mostly), the boys didn’t want to follow the rules at all. At our new though, my grandmother is the only one that lives with us but even with just her I still feel like we got the short end of the stick. I hate that feeling! Everything changed when everyone who lived with my grandmother decided that they wanted to move and not care to take her with them. My mother was the one who paid the rent for the house she lived in and bought food. My mother was the one who took in my three cousins when she died of aids a couple years ago. My mother is now the one who has to take care of her everyday and no one in the family helps at all. Heck, no one in the family even calls her let alone comes to pick her up and take her out. Everything changed when she came to live with us, and though I’m not the biggest lover of change, I’m not completely adverse either. I just in no way like how during the high school years everything seemed to change for the worst.

3. My diet is pissing me the fuck off! = Though I’ve not been been eating huge quantities of food, the quality of what I’m eating is crap! It’s really pissing me off and I need some fresh food and lots of vegetables and lots of fruit. I’m trying to really get on track with that. I can’t wait for winter to be officially over and for the Farmer’s Market to open. I can’t wait to get a job so that I can pay for my own trips to Whole Foods. I know how to do the right thing. Then there’s the fact that I think my stomach is naturally sensitive to a lot of things now that I’m older (good Lord! that makes me sound old! For the love of God, I’m only 19!). But the fact is that my stomach has a love hate relationship with a lot of foods. One day I can eat a hamburger, simple hamburger that’s most turkey these days, and it’s like my stomach has gone to heaven. The next day if I try to have one my stomach says fuck this LOL. The same for other foods. Of course, I’m completely lactose intolerant. I can’t even eat a milk chocolate candy bar b/c my stomach just … and yes I still eat milk chocolate sometimes lol, complete knowing that my stomach will hate me for it. I try to drink it with extra cold water b/c that for some reason calms the stormy seas of my stomach lol. I most definitely have to keep my diet simple and I gravitate to more simple dishes: fruits & veggies, little bit of chicken or beef, pasta w/ no meat. Nothing too crazy, nothing too greasy, and most definitely nothing junky!

The more problems I experience with my stomach, the more I feel like I’m ready to go vegetarian.

4. Uncertainty about my future making me upset which in turn is making me physically sick = I’m stressing about my future a bit lately. I’m on track to finish my requirement credits so that I can apply to a nursing program. I want to work for two years as a nurse and then become a traveling nurse. Unless of course I decide to move to another country and work there. I’m seriously considering moving to one of the Scandinavian and countries. I’ve always loved Denmark and Norway, beautiful countries with incredibly high standards of living. I don’t think that I want to be a nurse for the rest of my life, at least not for money. I think I’d like to do more volunteer work. Financially I want to make a living with my own fine jewelry collection. I just have no idea how much money I will need to fund that and get my business off the ground. I’m going to do it but I’m nervous and I want it to succeed. To be independently wealthy is very much a goal of mine.

There’s so many things to think about as you get older and start to set off on your own and in this economy …. #UGGGGGGGHHHHH!

So there’s my rant, I’m done. I have officially released all of my issues that I’m dealing with at the moment. That’s what I love about writing down my feelings. Every time I do so, they’re no longer knocking around my head as loudly as they were before. It’s 3:40 AM now and I’m going to go finish filing in my study guides for my A&P Exam and practical that I’ve got coming up.

Good night/Good morning! 🙂